Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It has been a while...

I have been on a blog break. Not only did we throw a fantastic grand opening party for our studio, but we got the keys to our new house two days before that. Then we had a bunch of our fine friends stay with us in our empty house. We even had a couple of them stay a few days. The very next weekend, We loaded up our Uhaul and brought everything we own from Phoenix, vehicles and all. We have our good friends to thank for making our move so easy. We picked that Uhaul up at 9 am in Phoenix that Saturday, and had it loaded and driven to Payson by 5. It was unloaded by 7pm and we had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night. That is professional moving right there. We kicked that moving shit in the ass.
    Two weeks later, we are settling in. We have nearly every box unpacked and we are feeling more and more at home.  Jon mowed the lawn! I have been trying to figure out how to set things up inside, and also making the house look like a home instead of a storage unit. We have met some folks in our neighborhood, and even managed to find our mailbox. It only took us two weeks to inspire our neighbor to put up a privacy fence. She thinks it will keep the Devil out.
    Since we are spending more time here in Payson, or Star valley to be more exact, we have had the chance to get some real local flavor. Last weekend, we got off of work on Saturday night, and decided to go out to our local bar. When we got there, we saw some regulars, and had a few drinks. The band that was playing was putting us to sleep, so we went home and fed our dogs. Then we decided to venture back out and go to the other bar in Star valley. It was really busy. We stood outside next to the fire pit, and listened to some drunks talk about a weddin they just came from. We got to talkin to two local guys, one a little older, the other in his 20's. We had a few drinks with them and decided to go to the topless bar. Yeah the topless joint next to our street. You know, the one that has a COW on top of the sign that says adult cabaret? Yeah, that's the one. Not a picture of a cow, but an actual fiberglass cow. It has even been shot with arrows and still has them sticking out of it's side. I'm assuming it's a lady cow so I will call her Lacy (that's her stripper name). We had never been to this place before, so I kind of assumed it would be nasty. Like greasy fingerprint mirrors and low ceilings and plywood over the windows nasty. It was none of those things. It was super nice. The bar was like a hand carved canoe and the tap was made from a huge tree. Very rugged Alaskan territory type stuff. Not to be confused with Alaskan Bush Company. They are not affiliated.
      Two problems right off the bat though. They made me pay to get in. HELLO! LADIES do NOT PAY to get into TITTY bars! They even tried to make me feel better by having the fat security guy squiggle around and show me his moobs. UGH. Also, this is the second problem. Saturday night, full place, TWO STRIPPERS. This resulted in the owner (who was trashed, and also the DJ) trying to pull every poor girl in there up on the stage. WE JUST PAYED TO GET IN HERE AND YOU THINK WE ARE GOING TO BE FREE ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU?! He did get one lady to do it though and that was a nice break from the same two strippers. We saw a guy in there that had seen me in the bank earlier that day and said he liked my hair. When we walked into the bar, he was so excited and bought us all a round. He even gave me gold dollars to give to the girls. I kept them.  When we left the poor young man we brought with us had fallen in love with a dancer and he was not budging. I guess he walked back to his place.
 All in all a good night, and we only had to drive a few blocks to our house seeing as the cabaret is on our street.  I think we are going to like this town. Payson is great but Star Valley is the obvious choice for us to live in. We have 4 bars,  circle K, a couple RV parks, a laundromat, a motel, one church (the other burned down), and a plant nursery. More bars than churches. Hell yes. I think the neighbor needs more than a fence...

Friday, April 22, 2011

What have I been doing the last few days?!

If you have ever tried to buy a house, then you understand. I knew this was coming because it has been so easy for us up until now. We relocated our business from Phoenix to Payson AZ, and thought we would live in our RV for half a year or so while we decided if we wanted to make this home base. We like it so well here, that after about  2 months, started looking for some land to buy where we could park our House and start thinking about building on it or sell it in the future. Well, as expensive as property is, we found that it's almost better to just buy a house with some land, because you get more for your money. When we started looking, we immediately found our house. It was way out of our price range, so we contacted the lovely amazing Diane (Mrs.Jack Shit ) who is a dear friend but also happens to be a killer real estate agent. We told her we wanted to make a ridiculously low offer just to see what happens. Of course the bank who owns the house came back at our offer too high. We started looking for other houses in the meantime, but the first one just stuck in our heads. We started to think we had to get this house.
   Two more offers later and lots of worrying, we finally got our magic price. We could not believe it. We decided to take the house, and arranged financing and got an inspection and got the title company going , all within  matter of a week or so. Amazing! We went from no house to the perfect kick ass house within no time at all.
     During our home inspection, we went to the house with Brent our inspector. He spent 5 hours going over the place with a fine toothed comb. He found minor fixes and said we had a good house on our hands. Just before he was finished, he went out front to locate our water meter to add it to the report. No big deal right? All houses have water meters. They HAVE TO HAVE WATER, RIGHT? Wrong. there is no fucking water meter of any kind anywhere on the property. Oh but wait, there is one. In front of the neighbors house. How in the world can there be running water in our house with no water meter and a well that is not turned on? Is it magical water from heaven just for us? I think not. You see the geniuses who previously owned the house owned the house next door as well. They used to run both houses on their well, but at some point hooked both houses to city water. Great! Except they only put in one water meter so both houses have one set of pipes to the city water and one water bill. There is no way to use the well independently since the systems are adjoined. If the city water is on its on. We cannot believe this. WHO DOES THAT?
     To make thing even better, while we were at the house, the neighbor who has just moved into the other house was out on her porch. An older lady, living all alone, and she was fixing her rocking chair on the porch. How sweet. Jon started to walk over to her yard so he could introduce himself. I was inside, but I still heard her scream at him. " The property line in there! Please do not come onto my property!!!" Jon stopped in his tracks and said "Ok. I was just coming over to introduce myself. I'm your neighbor, I just bought this house."
She immediately apologized and explained that there have been a lot of people looking at the house and coming into her yard while doing so. But then she started telling him things like keep your dogs in your own yard, and keep to yourself and I will keep to myself. Kind a a super BITCH. She has no idea how miserable she can be if we don't like her. Can you imagine? Thirty motorcycles starting up in our driveway at once? Slip and slide parties in the back yard? Potato cannons? The possibilities are endless.
      Any way my point is, WE ARE NOT SHARING THE WATER LINES WITH HER. Houses come with water. Unless otherwise advertised. This was not advertised.
     After speaking with Diane yesterday, she told us to go over to the house and get the meter number on the neighbors house, so she could figure this thing out. She is trying to get the bank to re plumb our water before we close so we don't have to do it, and because our new house should come with water. When we arrived, there was a truck there and a lady and a man from the selling real estate company  looking in the well house. When we pulled up the lady says " Hello, can I help you?" Jon tell her he in Jon Barwood, and this is his house. Her face kind of fell and she said "How did you know we were her?" As though we were trying to ambush them. We told her it was a coincidence, and why we were there. We talked about the situation while the guy, Jim, tried to turn on the well to see what was plumbed into where or whatever. Suddenly, a geyser of water starts shooting out of our front yard. Jim says 'aoah, I was just relieving the pressure on the pipes in the well." I'm thinking, um you have no idea what you are doing, do you? Then the Lady Susie who listed this house says " So do you plan to fix this water problem after you close?"
     In a few words Jon basically told her that is is a basic human right to have water at your house, and no he is not buying a house without water. "It has water" She says. Well guess what? Diane got the bank to fix this problem because the idiot who listed this house is an idiot.
     All in all, we are almost done with this process, and hopefully soon we can move into our house, and no more tiny showers or mini dishes or mini fridge or lighting your face on fire when you use the stove. Also we can be LOUD. AND OBNOXIOUS. AND PARK OUR RV IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE SO THE ONLY THING THE NEIGHBOR CAN SEE IS A GIANT FUCKING SKULL every time she looks out of her front window. We have not closed, yet but when we do we will be so happy because all we have to do then is move all of our shit 100 miles! It only gets easier I guess but that is the joy of moving to a new place. If anyone wants to help us welcome the neighbor lady, we would love to hear some ideas.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Please just try to understand

There are a lot of times when, things are really fun. We might be partying, or just hanging out and I think "Hey, is there a sharpie around here?" Of course I mean to draw moustaches on people. Why do I do this? When did it all start? Well, I will tell you.

This picture above is the very first moustache I ever had drawn on me. We were tattooing at the Smokeout west, and being the apprentice, I worked my ass off. When the day was done, Long Jon said we could all go get a beer. One of the other artists asked me if he could draw a moustache on me. He said "I'll give you five bucks!" Well, I didn't have much money at the time so I said Hell, I'm already wearing a man's vest, what's a moustache gonna do? Plus, I could get a beer with five bucks. So I let him do it and boy am I sorry. It has never stopped happening to me. Or others.

 On this particular occasion not long after the Smokeout, I drew a sharpie moustache on six people in Hardtailz bar while we were celebrating our ten year anniversary party for the tattoo studio. This handsome fellow is Shane, or Cotton Pony, and he understood how much he needed this stache.

Here I am in Las Vegas for the first time ever! We were at the Double Down drinking bacon martinis and shots of something called ass juice. Of course they had a sharpie so we let the pros do us up. Not only did I get a moustache but some rad fake tattoos as well, including one on my back which pointed out my bony spine. It read "stege" Someone could not spell Steggie. Thirty minuted earlier we threw martinis off of the top of the Rio hotel because they served them to us in plastic glasses.

This is Long Jon giving me a not so sharpie moustache in Mexico. They only had this blue marker. We managed to put one on all of the girls we were with, as well as  haggard old biker wench who was quite taken with Jon. She climbed over three tables to get to him just so she could try to kiss him while he was drawing on her. He managed to stay clear and hers turned out pretty good. This was our honeymoon by the way.

  On this past New Year's Eve, We had a seventies party. I thought I needed some sideburns for the occasion. Of course my lovely dear friend Christy or Hoo Ha as I lovingly call her, was a willing victim. She rocks the uni brow, and I usually only put those on the prettiest girls because they are hard to pull off. And wash off.

 Ahh...Choppertown Camparound. Here Charlie the Nomad and I have drawn moustaches on each other. It started a domino effect. Only the people who had real moustaches avoided our advances, and we got everyone done up.

 Jimmy even let me do a clown face. I added the white with a powdered donut. If you aren't careful, I even bust out the glitter sometimes...

I like to save the clown face for times when we are really having fun. We actually washed our moustaches off, and then re did our faces like clowns. It was a special kind of night. I think the clown face reminds me of my mom, and how she made me dress as a clown to help her when she was working. You see, my mom was a professional clown when I was growing up, so that explains a lot. Like how I can do such good triangles under the eyes and get the cheeks round.

   So you see, I wasn't born this way, I never wanted a moustache. I don't want a beard either, but sometimes it just happens....to everyone around me. You can't fight it and I swear, it washes off. The next day. Usually.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I love my motorcycle, and I'm sure it loves me, in a way. I think.

As a kid, I never had a dirt bike or a quad or anything motorized. My dad putted me around a few times on his little motorcycle, but I'm pretty sure my mom didn't want it around.  She always told me about her cool Uncle who was a biker and would go away for months and then show up with some girl with an Afro on the back of his bike. He sounded like he had a cool life. I never thought I would ride though, because I'm a chicken shit.
    After I started my apprenticeship, I started hanging around all the guys from the shop. There were always bikes around, and most of them rode at some point or another. I though the bikes were cool, but never really gave it much more thought. We took a shop trip to Cottonwood to tattoo at the Smokeout West the first year I was there. I rode up in the chase car while all the boys rode their motorcycles. Some had girls on the back and I watched them all riding together and thought it looked super fun. While we were up there I saw all kinds of cool choppers and even got to ride on the back with my buddy Shane. I told everyone that night that I was gonna have a kick ass chopper no matter what I had to do.  I was also drunk.
       A few years later, after having spent a lot more time on the back of bikes, I had my opportunity. I found a Sportster which was pretty cheap, all stock and running well. Long Jon figured it would be good for me to learn on seeing as I had never ridden anything besides a bicycle. I bought it, and I decided I wouldn't do anything to it til I was done crashing it.
     I will never forget my first try at riding that thing. Jon dressed me up in a leather jacket that was too big, gloves boots, and a bobble head helmet. I felt like I actually was retarded. I could not fathom trying to do anything which required coordination while wearing this crap, and I was already scared. He took me and the bike to the empty Cosco parking lot, and showed me how to start the bike, put it in gear, and then just scoot forward with my feet down. He did it so easily. I tried my turn, and started the bike fine. Then I pulled in the clutch fine. When I started to go, I immediately fell over. Instantly. I was so embarrassed, but I figured I was glad I got that out of the way, now let's really ride this thing. When he helped me right myself, and checked the bike, I tried again. I immediately fell over. I was like a weeble that always falls down. Then I was scared and I said I was done can we please go home? Jon said " Do you want to ride this thing or not? Get back on it right now." One does not argue with a direct command from this man.
      This time, he got on the back, and essentially rode the bike for me with me in the front. He helped me with the controls, but it helped me get a feel. I think I screamed the whole time. Needless to say, he suggested I take the motorcycle safety class.
      I signed up, showed up and felt sick the whole time. The first day was just videos and written tests. I did great on those. But the next day was going to be riding and I was terrified. They told us that if you fall you fail. I was going to fall.
     I came to the class the next day, and I was ready for what was surely going to be my last day on earth. They had to be kidding. Me? Ride a motorcycle?... But I decided to try. They Started us out slowly, explaining the parts, and the way the bike works and all that. Then they made us walk the non running bike around to feel our balance. I was ok with that. When we finally turned them on and were instructed to do what I had just tried to do before, I was ready... I started to go, and magically stayed up. By the time I was done that day, I was riding that damn thing and I was saying in my head, "I'm riding this fucking thing! All by myself motherfucker!". Let's just say I still couldn't do a goddamned figure 8 though.
      When the class was over, one girl had fallen and cried and failed, another one just opted out. Not me! I passed but only by 1 point. The instructors asked me if I could stay and take the afternoon class too, but I had to work. They made me promise not to ride in the street. I got my license! (but I'm not supposed to use it)
     Well, if you know me you know that I do use it! A lot! Being here in Payson where we can't store our bikes means I can't ride for the time being unless I'm in Phoenix, so I miss my bike. I'm just amazed when I think back on all this just a few years ago. Since then, I have ridden it everywhere, with lo's of cool people. I rode across the beartooth pass in Montana with a buncha good ole boys, I rode my ass from Montana to Sturgis in the rain with Don Wood, I rode in the Cycle source ride right through a fucking car wash in Sturgis with like 200 other people on kick ass bikes, I crashed my bike naked in Illinois, I won two bike shows with that dirty ass thing, including one in the Limpnickie lot, and I can't even describe how much fun it is to have and to ride. I absolutely fucking love that thing and I would never have forgiven myself if I chickened out and stayed on the fender so to speak. Even though it still scares me to death especially when I hear stories about handlebars randomly falling off, or people left turning you or tires ripping up, I've just learned to enjoy the scared feeling cuz otherwise I might as well be taking the bus.
    Not to mention all of the friends I have made because of our mutual interest, There are really some of the best people in the world out there on bikes, and if you are living a certain lifestyle, it is nice to meet people who essentially live the same, but are all so different as well. Never have I had friends who are so helpful, and thoughtful. They really do treat you like family. I think because sometimes their families want them to get rid of the bike, or just don't understand why you can't pay your rent but you have the money for a new front end...now if I could just find a girl with an Afro I'll be all set.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Last night, I must have passed out at some point...

We had a fantastic day yesterday. The shop was busy, our piercer Torin was there, we got to see some folks we like, and we had delicious mexican food for lunch. I finished my last tattoo about 5:30, and the Long Jon tattooed on me for a few hours. He finished up most of my neck which I will show when it's finished. It didn't really even hurt that bad so it was a great day. Torin even brought me a cannoli.
      When we got through with work, we headed over to Star Valley to Kelly's. Hardride was playing so we were excited cuz there's not a lot of nightlife around here. We showed up like 8:30, and there were not many people in the bar. The band was still doing a sound check so I thought it was just kinda early for a crowd. We said hello to Anna, and ordered us up some drinks. Jon asked the bartender what the band was drinking and he said "They've been drinking water all night". So Jon replied "Gimme four Budweisers." Thats when it started. Hardride was on fire. Every song they played was a good one and they didn't hold back. The bar started to bet a little busier and the crowd, though small was way into the show. They were dancing and singing and when they cheered it sounded like there were a hundred people in there. They also started buying the band shots. Then Jon bought them shots. Then Jon bought us shots, and more drinks. By the time the night was over, the band finished, and the crowd screamed for an encore. They even held up lighters. As we were all leaving, some guy tried to start a fight with Jon. That didn't really work so well.

We got in the band trailer and we were driven a few hundred yards to the hotel where those guys had a room. Of course after being in the trailer for a little while, they needed more beer, and of course munchies. Dan and Johnny went to the gas station and came back with fruit and donuts and beef jerky and on and on. We sat around the room a while, and I started to sober up. We laughed our asses off a while, and then I decided I could drive while Jon insisted we sleep on the floor in the room. Having a fresh tattoo on my neck made that indoor outdoor carpet look less than fantastic, so I promised them all that we would drive home fine and call them when we got home or when we got to jail.
   We made it home, but I never did call because I lost my phone, and I was so tired I didn't care at all. I thought great, no phone calls! Come this morning, Anna let Jon know she has my phone, but she took it to Phoenix. I can't use it there but at least it's ok. Unfortunately, all the video I took was in my phone so I will save it for another time.
So that brings us to today. We stopped back by the bar after waking up and getting used to the hangover. We checked to see if Anna had left my phone there, but no it's in phoenix. Three of the dudes that were in the bar last night were already there again and well into their drinks. They all knew us too and was either awesome, or kinda bad but I liked it. We decided to go down by where our new house is, and noticed a garage sale. We stopped and met a nice lady and she sold us some cool stuff for cheap, including a Black Crowes CD. We played it the rest of the day. Next, we saw another sale, and pulled in there. The property was a trailer with a small "store". They had a decent washer and dryer out front and the lady said she wanted 50 bucks for the pair. We decided to think it over. When we returned, her husband came out to greet us, and he asked what we needed. We told him we would give him $35 for the washer and dryer. He went to ask his wife. Then a teenage boy came out and said "she said you can have em for $25". We couldn't really argue with that, plus we didn't understand this style of bargaining. The boy helped Jon load them into the truck, while the dad told me all about being abducted by aliens and where he knew some gold was buried and his near death experiences. It kicked ass. Now Jon is fishing in the park until the sun goes down not a bad weekend at all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

You may have been at Choppertown Camparound, but I guarantee you missed this and you fucked up!

This  year Choppertown Camparound kicked ass. If you were there, you know. Just a bunch of dirtbags gettin drunk and sleepin in the dirt. If you came, you probably had fun, and blew up your motorcycle. We partied pretty hard on Friday night, so when Saturday came around, many of us were hung over. When you sleep outside, you tend to wake up with the sun, so 7:30 am found most of us groaning and vomiting and looking for some coffee.  The venue is a family owned steakhouse and bar. The owner Scott and his wife were very kind to us and even participated in the festivities a little. When Scott came driving up in his truck with a wagon contraption on the back on Saturday at around 8 am, none of us really took notice. Hung over as we were, when he started barking orders for us all to get on this wagon, we barely even questioned him. We obliged and sat on it until further notice. He pointed to myself and another young lady and said 'Girls! Get on the wagon! And you over there, come on everyone get on...NOW!"
The thing looks perfectly normal but upon getting in we realized that there is no FLOOR. ...OR SHADE.OF ANY KIND.

Soon the truck started pulling about ten or twelve of us out into the street. What were we thinking? Maybe he is taking us for a joyride to wake us up, or to get breakfast, or is he taking us to a grave? That's when we realized that this man thought it would be a good idea to take a wagonfull of misfits into Black Canyon city to represent his business on a "float" in the town parade. We had no way out. It was too late. When we came to a stop in the staging area, we were given bags of candy and told "hitting kids is not encouraged, but if you nail one in the head you get 10 points"

We waited in the sun for what seemed like an hour all the while sizing up the other floats. There were motorcycles, trikes, people on horseback, and even a trailer with old people in a kiddie pool. I have no idea what the parade was for or if it was a holiday or what.  The police even busted out Deputy do right who is a giant head on a regular cop costume. He looked like Jack in the Box.

As we pulled out and started to move, Mr Don Wood was hanging off the back of the wagon wearing his kilt. A small boy who was marching behind us holding a banner got too close for Don's liking. He told the boy " Son, if you don't back up, that view is gonna change yer life." He backed up. Way up.
We passed this dashing gentleman on our way and I decided he was the hottest thing in town.

                                 When we finally got into the thick of it, there were kids everywhere waiting to receive their candy. Half of them weren't paying attention so it was easy for us to hit them square in the face. Lots of bored paresnts were easy targets too. Some ladies even opened up their blouses to get their candy after some coaxing from the filthy scumbags on board. Scott very thoughtfully provided us with beer, but no one could stand the thought. We were still drunk from the night before.  

When we got to the center of town there was an announcer, and a cameraman. Adam, a choppertown resident, dutifully placed a water bottle at his crotch and thrusted vigorously towars the camera, all the while spewing water on the crowd of women , children, and some good ole boys in lawn chairs. People loved us, and I'm sure Kid Chileen's Bad Ass BBQ Steakhouse couldn't be prouder of us for representing them.
   When we returned to the restaurant, we were all in a daze. What just happened? Were we in a parade? Why was there a parade? Is it ok that we were behind the Jesus people and we taunted them? Who is in charge here? We were USED! We were TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!
             It kicked so much ass. Hitting kids in the head with candy and watching it bounce off and then they chase it, is like the top thing you can do. You so fucking missed out on that shit......unless you were there.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

My dog is a chupacabra

What is a Chupacabra? It is disgusting. It sucks blood at night. I have one. Mine is only  5 lbs, and she is scared of everything. She has no hair, and dark brown wrinkly skin. It's either super dry and scratchy, or pimply and bumpy. She has only a patch of hair on her head that looks poorly bleached like someone tried to go from black to blond out of a Walgreens box. Sometimes, she even grows like wiry ear hairs on her back. She even has this special little swatch of hair that grows on her ass. I have to shave it so as not to have to explain it. Don't even get e started on her breath. It smells like a baby dinosaur. She has bad teeth because of her hairless genes. From time to time, she poops outside. Usually in our RV on the utility floor. Training a chupacabra is not easy. Why on earth would I want this thing? I could describe my affinity for her, but I would like to provide visual evidence instead. Please remember... I only dress this thing up beacause it gets cold, and it is funny to watch her buck like a bronco while wearing shoes. Enjoy.